My group met with Jared on Saturday, and I discovered that my real problem was that my characters were not well defined enough for me to make informed story changes.
I spoke with some second-years about the story problems I was having, and Cameron Coker was able to help me simplify the story back closer to my original pitch.
The number of shots reduced, the story became simpler, and it retained the light-hearted joke of the original in-class pitch.
Here's my latest iteration of the storyboard:
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